Life has a way of sneaking up on your sometimes. I thought I had dealt with my emotions surrounding Cohen's birth. I realised that wasn't the case the moment I started discussing it with a doula. Tears welled in my eyes as I described the trauma of his entry in to the world and my sense of failure in the aftermath. It's been five years, yet still the tears came. Despite knowing how blessed I am to have Cohen. Despite the fact that he is happy and healthy. Despite what anyone else may say, I know HOW you give birth, and how supported you feel, IS important. You/others can't dismiss the events surrounding that birth because you have a healthy child. The birth of your children is a memory that will stay with you and shape you for the rest of your life.
I have more positive feelings about Emerson's birth, despite it being an 'elective' cesarean, because I felt supported and informed throughout the birth and recovery. However, I still can't help but feel the surgery was an unnecessary precaution. I believe that birth is normal and natural, and that much of the intervention associated with it seems unnecessary. That rather than feeling a failure after a birth, you can feel empowered. Thank goodness for modern medicine, which keeps mothers and babies alive who would have died perhaps only fifty years ago. But the balance between medicine and nature seems difficult to achieve.
This time around, I'm doing my best to achieve the kind of birth I've always wanted and that I feel I could have had with Cohen, given the right support and advice. Now that I can feel the baby kicking, my mind is drawn to thoughts of the birth. Now that the hospital has said they will support me in a VBAC, I am reading and learning. Now that I am not as naive or as reserved as I was the first time around, I have engaged a doula to support both Dave and I throughout the labor and delivery. Now that I have more energy, I am booking in to Prenatal Yoga classes in the New Year.
I'm realistic. I know that despite my best efforts, despite the best support and advice, for any number of reasons I may need a cesarean for the best outcome for baby and I. But either way, in the aftermath, I will feel that I did all that I could to have a positive birth experience, and that's important to me.
