Responding

My mantra this week has been, ‘respond rather than react.’ And as mantras generally are, it is much easier said than done. My twin sister’s yoga teacher training inspired my efforts, after they discussed this concept in class and she reflected upon it with me. It struck a similar chord in me as it had in her. How often do we react without thinking, when we could have paused and responded with much more calm? How often do we ‘fly off the handle’ at our partner or children, only to feel guilty later? How often do we react in traffic, at inanimate objects, at ourselves? To me it seems that 'reacting' is simply identifying the problem and struggling with it, while 'responding' incorporates problem solving.

It’s so much easier to react to a child doing the wrong thing, than to respond and ask them to explain what they should have been doing instead - encouraging and praising them to make amends. Previously my mantras have included, 'just love them', and 'be the parent you want to be.' Each day, each child, each situation, I am learning and growing. Trying my best to be the parent I want to be, meet their needs, treat them with respect, teach them by example, allow them to be children. My, what a journey it is. Challenging, frustrating, rewarding, exhausting, empowering.

I hope that when they look back on their childhoods they will always have felt loved and supported. I hope they know that everyday I kept trying to do my best, give them my best and find the best in them. And perhaps one day I will be able to encourage them and share my hard won wisdom should they have children of their own.

Here's to responding rather than reacting. With time and practice I hope it becomes so incorporated in to my way of being that I no longer need a mantra to remind me.

What's your mantra? Do you use reminders to encourage peaceful parenting?



Photo by Trudi Le Brese

On Tantrums and Toddlers...

Oh. My.
Toddlers.
Or more precisely, a certain two year old who will soon be three.
Cheeky, adorable, hilarious, unpredictable and unable to be reasoned with...

I think I rather forgot what it was like to have a tantruming three year old. Cohen wasn't big on the tantrums, thankfully. He had a couple of doozies in public places, and he was keen to be independent, but I just don't remember him being quite like his little sister. He was three and a bit when she was born, all the more reason to have tantrums I would have thought? But oh no, Emerson is the little miss of tantrums. She is redefining for me how one parents a toddler.

Windy day? Tantrum! Because I won't stop the wind.
Tries to climb book case and pulls it over. Cries from fright, then throws tantrum when we suggest she no longer climbs book case.
Walking to school? Tantrum! Because I suggest she shouldn't wear slippers to school in Summer. I tactfully decide to 'pick my battles' and allow said slippers to be worn regardless. Another tantrum on the way to school, as she no longer wants to wear the slippers. Thus, she walks barefoot, still whingeing.

Today there was a tantrum because I turned the tv off when it was time to pick up her brother from school. She refused to move, and rather perfectly imitated jelly on the floor instead. I had to carry her to the baby's pram and strap her in, while wearing Oscar in the sling, in order to pick up Cohen on time. Phew. Another tantrum from Miss almost-three about being in the pram. Then she fell asleep on the way home, so I carried her quietly upstairs. Cue another tantrum when she realised I had laid her down in her bed.

Oh my. On top of which I have had a teething baby with a runny nose and a six year old that would make a wonderful political, given his skill at argument.

My dear children. How I love them. Please pour me another glass of wine...

Expectation Vs Reality

My loves at Redcliffe Lagoon

You know those 'Expectation vs Reality' photos you see on Facebook? Like the one of the Mother and child all dressed in white, sleeping sweetly snuggled in together under the 'expectation' side of co-sleeping, and then the baby sleeping on the Mother's head on crumpled sheets in the 'reality' shot? I giggle at those things, because so much of parenting seems like that. Expectations not met by reality. Not that a baby sleeping on your head is a bad thing, it's just not how you imagined it. It didn't stop me from bed sharing, or getting morning cuddles in bed after a feed.

Pre-children expectations, I had so many. Lately I'be been remembering how I would cringe when parents would laughingly say they couldn't wait for their children to go back to school. I was horrified and inwardly shook my head, naively promising myself that I would never say such a thing. I wondered if they were lazy or selfish, or if perhaps, I admit it, they had out of control children? (Ha!) I vowed that I would enjoy having my children home. We would explore, craft, play, read, draw and have a wonderful time on holidays and I wouldn't want to send them back to school. Please feel free to laugh at my foolishness.

Because here I am, five weeks in to the six weeks of holiday between Prep and Grade one, feeling the need to confess - I am rather looking forward to Cohen going back to school. Not because we haven't been exploring, crafting, playing, reading and drawing. We have, and it's been wonderful. Not because my son often has an age appropriate inability to listen and needs to be told simple instructions several times before again ignoring them. He does that regardless. But rather because my six year old son and my two year old daughter really seem to need that six hour break to stem them incessantly irritating each other. That bit of space five days a week seems to make the heart grow fonder and the play nicer.

Oh the fighting, the intentional annoying, the shriek and screams and 'he pushed me's'. The toy throwing, hair pulling, biting, lego breaking, paper scrunching, food stealing, sibling rivalry of it all. It has only increased a little more each week, despite my very best efforts to the contrary. Oh, the refereeing is exhausting! Having all three children to contend with each day on my own can be a little too much of a good thing.

So if you bump in to me and ask me about our holidays, yes they've been wonderful. I shall indeed be sad to see Cohen go back to school, though I am excited for him starting grade one. I will miss the long lazy mornings, the pancakes for breakfast during the week, the day trips and projects and afternoons spent with friends. I will miss the sweet moments of all three children climbing in to bed for cuddles and the golden moments when they are playing sweetly. But I get it, I do, I understand now why the return to school can be so alluring. I'm sorry I judged.

Only one week to go!

-

It seems Mike gets it.

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"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013." Che and Fidel.

Cohen and Emerson: When play turns into cuddles

Despite being pregnant with our third child and looking forward to our family growing in number, lately I'd quite happily auction off both my darling children! The duality of Motherhood! You know I love them madly. And I have tried to remain patient. I have gotten down on their level. I have arbitrated their arguments  I have repeated myself two hundred times. I have bribed. I have rewarded. I have tactically ignored. But the list of misdeeds has been steadily growing. From Cohen wrapping an iron cord around his neck at my parents house and giving himself rope burn, to Emerson continually emptying the contents of any available drawer on to the floor - bathroom, bedroom, cutlery, pantry, fridge. From Cohen intentionally getting his face to within one centimeter of a hot electric frypan and almost giving himself a permanent burn mustache  to Cohen punching Emerson in the leg for not sharing. Not to mention finding the potty intended for Emerson full of an almost five year old's wee... 

Then there are the usual dinner frustrations, selective hearing, fake crying, whinging and tantrums. Sound familiar? And when it all got too much, I popped Emerson in the sling, handed Cohen his scooter and went for a walk. 

Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes I want to have a tantrum too. Sometimes I want to go for a walk by myself, but there is no one else to care for them, so I have to work through it. Sometimes I want to sleep in, shower alone, talk uninterrupted on the phone.

And then they cuddle and kiss and I melt. 

And despite the frustrations, there is just love.

And I can't wait to add another little mischief maker to our family.

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"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013." Che and Fidel.

Cohen: Unable to sit still with excitement while he waits for his soccer trophy

Emerson: A spark of mischief behind those blue eyes

I am a bad soccer Mum. I could not wait until the last day of the season. I was counting down the minutes yesterday until it wrapped up and we need never return. We have struggled though an entire season of soccer with Cohen and it is finally over. Hoo-ray!

I wasn't always a bad soccer Mum. I'm all for children playing team sports. Cohen participated in weekly soccer skills sessions last year and loved it. I ran around the field with him when he first started and was too nervous to leave my side. I jumped over obstacles and cheered him on at the sidelines to encourage him. At his request we enrolled him again this year. However, each Friday evening this past season he has whinged and complained that he didn't want to go the next morning. Once there, he'd muck around for the first half of the session before getting in to it and enjoying it, then saying he couldn't wait until next week. The next week he wouldn't want to go again. Thus began the tedium and frustration that lasted the entire season. We offered gentle encouragement. We let him sit out several weeks. We discussed why he didn't want to go. We didn't pressure him. We didn't want to push him, but were mindful of the financial investment we'd made. Yesterday he didn't want to go as usual, until we mentioned that it was the last session and he would be getting a trophy. He swiftly changed his mind. 

As we walked back to the car afterwards I felt immense relief that we would no longer have to negotiate this particular weekly hurdle. Cohen, on the other hand, pronounced that he had had a wonderful time and "could not wait to come back again next week and get another trophy."

Overcoming

 

I find it's so easy to feel wound up when caring for a four and a one year old, day in, day out.

To feel stressed, sleep deprived and underappreciated.

To feel like I'm failing, winning and failing, all at once.

 

Sometimes the joys of the day seem to be wiped out by frustrating and difficult behaviour.

Sometimes it's hard to appreciate the small things, because the big things are too overwhelming.

Sometimes I feel like I am hitting my head against the proverbial wall.

Sometimes Too often I just don't have enough patience.

Too often I'm not the parent I thought I was going to be.

 

And then the sun comes out and we wander as a family, letting Emerson set the pace.

Out of the house, exploring, examining, finding beauty, throwing rocks, laughing. 

I am reminded that sometimes this is all we need.

This is how we overcome the frustration, if only for this moment.

 

I'm reassured that, despite the difficulties, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Learning the hard way...

Cohen stood by my side, Emerson in the sling, as I emptied the plants from our basket at the nursery yesterday. My phone rang, and I answered it by reflex, as the nursery woman began to serve us. I really should have waited a moment, finished the transaction and called back. I know. I usually do. I'm not sure why I didn't. But I made arrangements to meet friends at the duck pond as the woman entered our plants in the til and Cohen discovered the small $1 pot plant ornaments on the counter. I added a tiny tea cup to our total and nodded in agreement when Cohen held up a small green frog. I paid and thanked the nursery lady, phone still to ear I'm ashamed to say - incredibly rude I know - and ushered Cohen to the car. As he climbed in to his seat I strapped Emerson in to hers. Triumphantly, Cohen held up his little frog and told me how wonderful it was, then held up a small lady beetle ornament and told me how equally wonderful it was. Taken aback, brain not quite in gear, I asked where he had gotten it? After a pause, in which his four year old brain must have been working furiously, he simply informed me that he had liked it. 

"Did you take that beetle without paying for it Cohen?"

"No, I just liked it."

Thus began a conversation that was revisited throughout the day. It's wrong to take things that don't belong to us. When we take things and don't pay for them that is called stealing. Stealing is even worse than breaking a rule, it is breaking the law. I will always love you, no matter what, but I am feeling disappointed.  Beetle in hand, children in car, car thankfully parked alongside the entrance, rather than publicly shaming him, I returned to the counter and replaced the beetle. Shame faced myself, I explained what had happened. The nursery woman smiled, assured me it was not a problem and admitted that she thought he had taken one. An even brighter shade of red, I returned to the car and picked up the thread of our conversation once more.

Oh, the lessons we learn. I'm still a little shocked. My sweet baby is now a little boy, a little boy who is testing his limits, exploring the world and not always making the right choices. And as I try to guide him, I am learning lessons too, and not always making the right choices. 

Next time, I'll let the phone ring. 

Attachment Parenting Seminar with Dr Sears

It'a a wonderful feeling to be a part of a community. Be it online, in your neighborhood, or sitting in a room full of like minded people. Yesterday I felt a part of a parenting community as I listened to Dr William Sears talking at a seminar about attachment parenting. He spoke with warmth and humor, sharing his insights and anecdotes as a pediatrician of forty years and father of eight. In the process he reinforced and encouraged what I am practicing as a parent. 

He began by defining the role of parenting as that of "giving your children the tools to succeed in life." As a young father and doctor he was interested in studying what worked for "most parents, most of the time." After years of observing what "smart" Mums and Dads did and how their babies turned out, he found that parents of connected children followed most of the Baby B's - birth bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, bed sharing/ bedding close to baby, believe baby's cries, beware of baby trainers and balance. (The 'beware baby trainers' was in response to a rise in incidents he witnessed of a 'failure to thrive,' after parents were given advice about scheduling feeding or ignoring crying, which resulted in dehydrated, undernourished or disconnected babies.) This list is at the core of attachment parenting, though not all attachment parents do, or are able, to practice everything on this list. (For instance decisions about birth bonding or breastfeeding can be taken away by health issues, or some families may choose not to bed share. We all do what is right for us, though it may not be right for everyone.)

When Dr Sears discussed balance and preventing Mothers from burning out while trying to be the best Mother they can, he spoke of his own wife's struggle to fit in a shower each day when she felt her babies had constantly needed her. At which time he left a gentle reminder on a sign in the bathroom that read: Each day what our baby needs most is a happy, rested Mother. (Something we could all do with being reminded of at times!)

Dr Sears talked about the early years of a child's life as being a long term investment. That by forming caring attachments with our children and comforting them when they cry, we are creating the blueprint for their future relationships. Patterns of association are formed in their brains - I cried, I was comforted; I was hurt, I was comforted. Because this becomes wired in to their brains they will naturally help when others are hurt. By responding to situations such as hitting by asking the child, "how would you feel if Jimmy hit you," you are helping them to learn empathy. He spoke of the science behind attachment parenting and the studies that have shown that attachment parented babies are smarter. Apparently each day a baby may make 10,000 new connections in their brains, while high touch, attached babies make more. So each time you hold, feed or nurture your baby you are helping them make more brain connections.

I had to laugh, he introduced the slide below by saying, "children can be annoying, well our children, maybe not yours." From the laughter in the rest of the room I could tell I wasn't alone. Below is his number one parenting tip. "If I were a child how would I want my Mother/Father to act." This works particularly well as a discipline tip. As Sears said, "before you yell, stop and imagine - if I were a child how would I want my parent to act - if you ask yourself this you will always get it right." He also spoke about a Mothers ability to give a child a look that is at once "firm, stern and loving, that ends with an I love you smile," which lets a child know that their actions are inappropriate. Again I laughed in recognition. I'm quite sure I have that look, as does my Mother.

Martha, Bills wife of 47 years, also spoke. She gave another tip on disciplining small children. Rather than using "No", "Uh-uhh", or a smack on the hand when they touch something they shouldn't, use the phrase "Not for Johnny." The repetition of this phrase will gently teach them and they will soon learn not to touch.

At the close of the talk Sears discussed his definition of success as being, "the number of people whose lives are better because of what you did." This definition works equally well to assess our job as a parent - given we are raising the mothers and fathers of the next generation, as well as Dr Sears contribution to our knowledge by way of his studies and publications - his books proving invaluable to so many.

Questions were taken from the audience which inspired new discussion with Bill and Martha. A few points that stood out for me included Bill's belief that the three things a Doctor should really never advise a mother on were "how long to breastfeed for, should they let their baby cry, and should they feed at night." Those are questions that only you can answer for yourself, though you don't need to make them alone. This is where the importance of community comes in. Support groups of like minded people can help you answer these questions, while, as Martha pointed out, complaining to someone who disagrees with your parenting style leaves you open for criticism. These support communities - be they ABA, mothers group, online forums etc. - are needed because, to quote Martha, "it was never designed to be a Mum and a baby alone in a room somewhere."

There is so much more I could write. He also touched on issues of sleeping, socialisation, schooling, work and Grandparents. I took much away with me from the seminar. As I said, I felt he reinforced and encouraged my parenting practices. No matter how we parent though I think we can all agree, it takes a village to raise a child.